Thursday, December 5, 2013
I went to the viewing tonight and I was actually able to hold it together the entire time I was there. AS SOON as I swung the door open to leave, I LOST IT! Every time I looked at my friend laying there in that casket, all I could see what my mom. I couldn't bring myself to really even get close enough because I knew I would lose all control. The closer I got the faster flashes of my mom kept popping in my head. Literally. However, tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. I will take myself up there again and pay my final respects to someone who is not much older than myself. Someone that I grew up with. Someone that leaves behind 2 beautiful kids who even though their world is turned upside down, seem to be able to hold it together and have an amazing bond with each other.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
We are still going to have the benefit January 25, 2014.
I know this may not be the place to post this, but I have a friend who lost her battle to cancer this morning and she has 2 kids ages 19 and 17 who are left with worrying how they are going to bury their mom, along with so many other things. We where planning a benefit, and still are, and all the money will go to the kids. I just wanted to post and ask as many people that possible can, to please help out. Please contact Tara Holland Thibodaux for more info about the benefit, or if you are interested in cooking in a chili cookoff for the benefit which is going to be held at Blue Collar Bar in Pasadena on January 25th!!!! https://www.facebook.com/KristiKrummelLakeBenefit http://www.gofundme.com/5hxqwo
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
With the holidays very quickly approaching, and the general population trying to force Christmas upon us sooner than should be, I find myself sinking more and more into a funk. I hate the holidays. I don't hate the meaning behind them, just the stress that comes along with them. The stress that many average Americans endure every year. Trying to make sure that all the bills stay paid, that there is food in the house, that kids get what they want, and don't forget about the Elf! The silly fucking elf should be coming out Thursday night! Thankfully, but sadly, our elf, Stormy, will not be making her appearance just yet because my kiddos are with their dad this week and I refuse to decorate the tree without them. Would this be the time that I secretly enjoy the elf and the silly antics that go along with it? I mean, I know that there is no way that Keigan still believes in Santa, so I know there is no way that she believes in the elf, but she enjoys it, and she sincerely cries every year when the elf has to leave. Who the hell am I to take that away from her? I only wish I would have known about it when both of my kids were much younger. I am also proud to say that Dawson has never tried to ruin Santa or the elf for his little sister. Yay! He can be such a butt head to her, but he never tries to ruin these things for her. I think they both enjoy it for one of the biggest reasons I hate it....it is a great memory of my mom. Thanksgiving and Christmas were her favorite holidays ever and both of my kids inherited that I guess. They never ask for too much and they are always excited.
So with this time of year, I always try to keep myself busy so that I don't get swallowed by this lurking depression. I would say this year I am doing a good job at keeping it at bay. While it is for something very heartbreaking, I am keeping my mind occupied with planning a benefit for a childhood friend who has been fighting breast cancer for a few years. AHHH, this is where my mind starts going fucking haywire! I will do my best....here is how all of this came about.....Growing up I had some friends name Kristi, Nichi, and Misty, sisters of course. As we got older and went on with our own lives we lost touch, but then reconnected thru Facebook. I didn't know a whole lot of what they had been up to in life through the years, but I will tell you what I learned over the course of the past few years. I knew that Kristi had been diagnosed a couple of years ago, but I never knew her prognosis. I knew she was kicking ass in her treatments and pushing forward. I knew that at the start of everything her husband decided he wasn't going to stick around through this and he was doing all kinds of crazy drugs and cheating on his wife of 17 years while she was having a mastectomy and of course they got divorced. Good for her! She had bigger fish to fry, but at the same time, they had 2 kids together, and she was going through the biggest struggle of her life. Earlier this year the unexpectedly lost their mom. She had struggled with some health issues, but I don't think it was anything they expect to take her life when it did. While I had been their shoes with loss of their mom, I reached out to them. They were in my daily thoughts, and every time I see something on Facebook about one of them missing their mom, it breaks my heart because I truly know what it feels like.
I know I am leaving out a bunch of stuff, but I am not meaning too. Please forgive me.
Now here it is months after the passing of their mom, Kristi is having complications with her cancer. She had gone into remission but the cancer came back, and with a vengeance. It has been one thing after another and it seems like they can't catch a break. Heartbreaking. Just yesterday the family was given some bad news, Kristi's prognosis is not good, and they don't expect her to make it until Christmas.
Anyway, a few weeks ago Misty has posted something about trying to plan a benefit but that she has so much going on and it was stressing her out. She works full time and takes care of Kristi and Kristi's 2 kids. Kristi's daughter was in her first semester of college at Texas Tech and has left school there to come back home and go to the local community college and work so that she can help take care of her mom. Her son is still in high school. SOO, I told Misty that I would take care of the benefit, if that was okay with her, so that maybe I could help take some of the stress off of her shoulders. Everything is coming along great with the planning but I will say, some people really are ungrateful and just want to try to be the super star or whatever you want to call it. I set up a Facebook page about the benefit so that we can spread the word, and things could be posted on one central page etc. Within just a matter of days I had already secured a venue, got a team of people together to help me out, and had 2 bands booked, a dj, and a few other big things in the works. Then some idiot comes along and posts on this page that I created, pretty much saying that this is going to be a failure, and it's not going to raise any money, blah blah fucking blah. To say that this pissed me off would be an understatement, but I tried my very best not to be a rude bitch. I don't know if it worked or not, but whatever. I guess it is what it is. Here is my take on that whole subject....Kristi didn't just get cancer last week! This has been something that she has been battling for a few years, fucktard. (No, I didn't say that on the post, but I damn sure wanted to) and for starters I am the only person who has stepped up to help plan anything for her and her family and we haven't even been close in years! Don't come at me with some bullshit that you and your wife were planning something with some 15+ death metal bands and all this shit. Why haven't you said anything to anybody? Why has it taken you 3 years what took me less than a week? Am I planning a death metal battle of the bands benefit, NO, but don't tell me that what I am doing is not going to raise money. It's not going to raise millions, but something is better than nothing, and what you claim to be planning isn't going to raise millions either. I very nicely told this dude to continue with his plans and have another benefit for Kristi, as there was no law saying there could only be one. Shit, the more you can do, and the more money you can raise, the better. Especially in a matter like this. This is something I whole hearted believe in, and I feel like it is for a good cause. This dude does not know me, know the people that I am assosiated with, or what we are capable of, and he has absolutely not fucking right to say that "my people" are not big spenders and that this is not going to make any money for the family. Ugh. end of that rant....
While there is still so much to do for this benefit, I feel like it is coming along nicely.
Aside from being busy with all of that, I am also busy with other things. Nothing as time consuming, but still busy. Slowly in the process of starting a business with one of my best friends, plus working on my photography stuff. Not to mention sports. Football just ended for Dawson, and now it is basketball and cross country. It will soon be softball season for Keigan...
Well, I guess that is all for this post. I just finished baking the first 48 cupcakes, and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Today was a great day! I took the girls to the beach and we took some pictures and played in the water for a while and then we walked down the seawall a little bit. Stopped and picked the boy child up on the way home and went and had lunch at Firehouse Subs...My favorite! Stalked my best friend then later we all went to dinner. The girls were wanting to wrap a house but I think they have decided not to do it :-(
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I do not really have any pictures of comparison, but I will try to get some soon and post them, I promise. I will tell you this much...as many of you know, when the day I went in for my surgery I was 296 pounds. I can not even believe that I throw that out there like it is nothing, when in reality, it is something. It is a huge something. An embarrassment, and a major factor in my depression issues. I was wearing a size 22-24 in pants, and I was honestly at the point that I would almost rather have sat in the house and ate myself to death, than have to look in the mirror and try to fix myself up to go anywhere. See, my problem is not that I eat all the time. I don't eat right, meaning I do not eat 4-6 meals a day which is key for weight loss because you have to get your metabolism up and going. I would also drink my calories by way of fountain Dr. Pepper. BAD BAD BAD.
Instead of having to look at myself in the mirror, I just let myself go. I quit putting on makeup. Quit really doing anything with my hair, and quit giving a shit about what I looked like.
Here I am today, a little over 3 months post op, weighing in at 239. That is 57 pounds GONE! I am down 11 inches between my hips and belly. I am wearing size 16-18 shorts, and I am a much happier person, but not as happy as I could be. I think I will always have self image issues, and I just do not have the motivation to take my ass to the gym everyday. I need to, and I want to, I just don't make myself. I will try to work on that, but...
I go back to see my weight loss doctor in October, and I should be down to 219 by then, but I am hoping I less than that. We shall see how it goes, and I promise I will try to keep up with this better, for those of you who actually keep up with it.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I have not done so well with the post op diet however. For 2 weeks I am suppose to be on a full liquid diet. Creamy soups, ice cream, pudding, stuff like that. The problem is, I only like 1 kind of soup (tomato) and I only eat it with a grilled cheese. This means I only eat what it on my bread, and I don't actually drink the soup. Well, I tried to eat some soup on day 3 I think, and 1 spoonful was enough. I immediately went to heaving. Ugh. The other problem...I am not a sweet eater! This means, ice cream, pudding and stuff like that...no working either.
I have decided that since I feel great, I will try to eat very small amounts of soft foods. Mashed potatoes is my friend, but I am burned out on them already. Tomorrow I will start having scrambled eggs, well, make that EGG.
I did eat part of a club sandwich from Subway for dinner tonight. So far everything is fine. I have had NO PROBLEMS AT ALL, but this also isn't something that I am going to do on a regular basis. I just needed something, damnit!!
Anyway, so far everything is still going great, and even though I could not make myself follow the strict diet, I still think I am doing just fine. I am ready to get back to the gym though......
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I am on a liquid diet, which I think is going to be the hardest part for me because I do not like soup. I can eat other stuff, but nothing that is healthy for you. I know, makes no sense. I can eat ice cream, jello, puddings and stuff that is creamy. I am not a big fan of any of that stuff. So, I will do the best that I can with the liquid diet, but I may move on to something like scrambled eggs, before my 2 weeks is up. We shall see.
For those of you wondering what surgery I had, I had the gastric sleeve done. Everybody has asked me why I did not go with the lap band...simple, my husband had it and it did nothing but cause problems. Even with his band empty, he still could not eat right. EVERYTHING would get "hung up" and cause him to get sick. Who the hell wants to live that way? Not to mention, I did some research of my own and found that the sleeve was the best fit for me. I talked to my husband about it, and he actually even had his lap band removed and got the sleeve. He had his surgery on Feb. 16, 2013 and has lost over 63 pounds and feels better than ever.
No, there is not really some sort of sleeve on my stomach. They actually went in and removed (took it totally out of my body) 85% of my stomach. There was no rerouting anything, so I will digest and process food the same as always. I just can not eat very much. Unlike gastric bypass patients, I will not have to take supplements because I will still absorb all my vitamins and stuff through my food, although for the first couple of weeks you do need to take some sort of vitamins and drink protein shakes. For women, this key if you want to keep your hair looking healthy. Protein shakes are nasty, but...you can mix them with fruit to make them a little better.
Now, I have not told anybody other than my husband what my weight was before surgery, but I am about to tell everyone....everyone that reads this blog anyway.....296 pounds! That is the heaviest I have ever been, or ever will be. Today, 2 days post op, I am proud to say that I weigh 286.4!!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
However, with a lot of recent hurtful, and hateful things being posted on Facebook, I decided "what the hell?" I know that a few people are waiting to read this post, and I will try not to make you wait too long, but I do not know if I will be posting it within the hour. I guess it just depends on well it flows. This is something that I have given a lot of thought too now, and I want it to come out right and I want people to really understand what I am trying to say, and know that I am not trying to be the BITCH that I know I can be.
Where to start....
I grew up in a somewhat small town just east of Houston. Deer Park, Texas. This is considered (or once was) to be a rich town, in the sense of all of the chemical plants and refineries that surround it. When I was in school there, it was considered one of the best school districts around. Prestigious. Supposedly a great academic record, outstanding athletics department, you name it, that is what this town was. Kids drove brand new cars at the age of 16, many were given every little thing they wanted, or thought they wanted. Most had the latest designer clothes and shoes and always thought they were dressed to the nines. Hello, I don't know if any of your look at your pictures back from the early 90's, but....
There were all the stereotype cliques. Kickers, headbangers, skaters, jocks, cheerleaders, the rich kids, the poor kids, bullies- you get the picture. Schools these days aren't much different. I guess if I had to pick which group I belonged to I would have to say I was a poor, bully, kicker. Maybe? I know in my peers eyes, I was poor. I know in many peoples eyes, I was a bully, but I also wore boots and jeans, but of course not the name brand. I didn't have the finer things in life. I did not get a band new car when I turned 16. Hell, I didn't even graduate high school. I quit when I was 16 and got my GED and moved in with my boyfriend in our own apartment. Huge mistake, yes, but I own it and I do not regret it. At that time, that is what I wanted and what I felt was best for me. I had a few friends in junior high that I am actually still friends with to this day, and some who will probably read this, and I have some "friends" (on Facebook) who I wasn't really all that close with in school, but for some reason accepted their friends request. A couple who it seems that no matter how much time passes, we can still hang out and talk and cut up just like the old days. Some of those who have changed from what they were back then, and some who have not. It is usually the ones who were considered to the "rich kids" who haven't really changed, and are still just as shallow as the toilet that I shit in. Simply put. There have been countless friends request over the years that I have ignored, and some that I wanted answers from before I accepted them. My reasoning, these assholes never wanted anything to do with me in school, so why the hell are you wanting to be friends now? For the ones that I am friends with on FB, please know that you are there for a reason.
Before I possibly go off the deep end, let me first let everybody know that while I like to think I am still the same girl from back then, I am so much better too. I am not a bully, I stand against it, and I am very adamant with my own children, that you do not be rude, crude, or anything else to anybody. You treat others the exact way that you would want to be treated. My kids are 13 and 9 and I think I have done a damn good job. Of course they still judge people occasionally, but not like I know I did, and not on the same basis as I did, not that it makes it okay, but they are still human, and every human passes judgement at some point or another. They do have things that I didn't have as a child, but mostly because I am blessed in the fact that they have a dad who works not just for himself anymore, but for his kids, and I have an awesome new husband who has taken on more than he ever had to and he has fully embraced it.
Here lately I have been seeing a lot of hateful, and hurtful posts on Facebook, and I just sit back and keep my mouth shut. I don't post half as much stuff as I would like because I do not want the drama that is sure to follow, but I am speaking out now. I am not pointing any fingers at anybody, but should you feel like maybe my statement might fit you, then chances are, maybe they do.
Just because you see someone who is over weight does not mean that they necessarily over eat. In most cases, yes, probably at some point, or maybe even now, they may over eat, but you do not know. You also do not know who these people are friends with and when you get on FB and post about where you were and what you seen and over heard, there is a chance that it could get back to that person. Put yourself in their shoes and she how you would like it. You have no fucking clue if someone has an underlying health issue that has made them gain weight. Chances are even greater that if given the chance, you would not tell that person to their face about the hateful shit that you have posted all over Facebook about them.
People talk about over weight people like they are nothing. Well, guess what, they are humans, just like you. They deserve to go out to eat with their family or friends and not worry if someone is going to post about the fat lady they seen eating out. I said I have changed, and I have, more than many of you know, but sometimes that feisty Tara still comes out, and here is a little fact for your...I have gained weight. I am heavier now than I have ever been in my whole life. I am in the process of doing something about it, but don't think for a split second that I won't let you know how I feel and that I will back down off of your. I will treat you just like the same girls in Jr. High that we once were. I will beat your fucking ass down.
I try to be a very honest person. I am very blunt most of the time because I have found that it does absolutely no good to sugar coat things. If anything, it makes matters worse than they are. I have lost many friends over this...Or maybe I haven't? Maybe they were not really friends after all. Maybe they never truly cared to begin with? I believe that people do come into our lives for a reason, but sometimes I just wonder why. I did not ask for such and such to be in my life, and now being a mother, these things don't only effect me, but my babies as well. I did not ask for such and such to come into their lives either, only to phase themselves out. From where I am standing, it is my household against the world. Not just based on our own choices, but choices made for us by others and their actions, or lack there of. Yes, there are times where I will not just come out and say something, but it is because I know myself, and I try to take others feelings into consideration. There have been times where I have literally dropped everything I was doing just to help someone out, and honestly, even though I live my life with no regrets, I can not sit here and say that if I had it to do over again, that I would do it. You live and you learn I guess.
Here are somethings that I have learned. Relationships, both family and friends are not one sided. It is not about who can do what for you at the moment and then when they can't do something for you, or you don't need them anymore, you move on. It doesn't work that way. You should treat those that you love, equally. Especially children. Communication is a two way street, be on Facebook, text, phone call, email or whatever. If you want me to call you, text you, email you, comment on something that you posted, then I expect the same in return, equally. Chose your words wisely, you never know who is around and who knows who.
This post seems to get getting more and more off track from where I was intending, so I guess I will go for now, but maybe I will post more later. I don't know.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
My husband had weight loss surgery 2 years ago (next month) and he has been miserable ever since. He had the lap band done. He has not lost any weight with it, and gets hung up every single time he eats, regardless of what it is most of the time. Those of you that have lap band, or knows someone with it, then you know what I am talking about when I say hung up. Well, guess what, he is getting it taken out and he too is going to have the gastric sleeve done. He will probably be able to have his surgery next month since he has been through everything and they are submitting all his stuff to the insurance as a revision. If everything goes according to plan for him, then he will be having his surgery around February 12th.
We have kind of been watching how much we are eating for the last couple of weeks, and we have almost completely cut out soft drinks and today when we weighed we both have lost weight...without even trying.
The hardest thing, for me anyway, so far, has been the soft drinks. I am like a fucking crack whore when it comes to that fountain Dr. Pepper. We both went without for a couple of days, but then by the 3rd day we broke down and went to Mc Donalds for a dollar drink. Bob said his was fantastic, I said mine tasted like shit. I didn't drink it. Since then, I have drank a soft drink almost everyday, and everyday it is the same...I do not like them, yet it is like I am begging myself to like them and crave them again. Stupid I know.
The next thing on the agenda...QUIT SMOKING!!! The only way this is going to happen is cold turkey. I can do it. I know I can. The Hubs on the other hand...Ugh, not looking forward to this part, but we shall do it...without killing each other in the process.
Until next time....
Monday, January 14, 2013
When I was married before, I never had medical insurance unless I was pregnant so I out of 11 years I only had medical care for 18 months. Insurance was too expensive. Thank God I never really got so sick that I needed major medical care, but during that time I did have to have my gallbladder taken out. If it had not been for my aunt, and her connections with doctors since she is nurse, that would have never happened until it became a life or death situation. So, with all of that being said, I have not had a "well woman" exam since I was pregnant with my first child. It's been about 14 years...next month. I have been told that I needed an MRI on my back, and possibly a cat scan on my head and neck to find out what causes all of my headaches, but I am so pessimistic that I have worked myself into a frenzy about going to the doctor. My dad passed away suddenly at the age of 40 from a massive heart attack, and my mom was 47 when she passed away from cancer. Can you see where I would be scared to go to the doctor? I am 35...I am not ready to die.
Well, I have made a doctors appointment and I go this week. 2 doctors appointments actually, and I go to both of them this week. One of them is for my check up and I will go over all of my concerns with the doctor, and the other one is a weight loss doctor. I am going to have weight loss surgery, as long as I am healthy enough to do it. It has already been cleared by my insurance! That is exciting!!! Also, the Hubs is thinking about having his lap band removed and having the same surgery as me. He says the lap band was the worst thing he has ever done. He does not eat a meal that he doesn't get "hung up" and end up not being able to finish his food right away, and 9 times out of 10, he ends up getting sick in order to get "unhung" and he really has not benefited from the band anyway.
So, here is to hoping for nothing but good news from my primary doctor Thursday!!
I will be the first to tell you, I do not keep up with the NFL, I prefer college football, but to be honest, I don't even keep up with that anymore. I do not know all the football lingo, I do not know who plays what position for the most part, but I do know that it takes more than a quarterback to make or break a team. I also know that Texans fans are about the worst that I have ever seen. Let me correct that...MOST Texans fans. It's like they have "little man syndrome" or something. Yes, I know with football comes all the shit talking, but these guys like to dish it out but can't take it, and they want to talk so much shit they have no clue about. Fuck, at least the time to look up facts if you don't know. I will not lie, if I want to know something about the Cowboys, I look it up.
Right now the big cry is how Matt Schaub sucks, and Ohhh, the Texans made it to the play offs, and where are the Cowboys? Well, the Cowboys did not make it to the play offs, but let me say, I am confident enough in my team to say that if they had the season the Texans did, they would have made it further in the play offs than the Texans. Meaning, this is the second year in the history of the Texans franchise that they have made it to the play offs, and the they CHOKED for the second year in a row, in the second post season game each year. They want to talk about the Cowboys couldn't do it, blah blah. You are right....it only took them 6 years to make it to the play offs, and another 5 to the Superbowl. I will also be the first to admit, the Cowboys need to make some major changes in their organization if they want to ever see another Superbowl.
Now, enough about football, lets all get on with our lives, until next year.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Since watching this 3 part series, I seem to have become somewhat obsessed with this case.
If you have no clue what I am talking about, let me give you an idea, and then you should look up the series and watch it, and do your own research and see what you think.
Paradise Lost is about the West Memphis 3, which were three teenage boys who were arrested, tried as adults and convicted of the 1993 tragic murders of three 8 year old Cub Scouts, Stevie Branch, Christopher Byers, and Michael Moore, all of West Memphis, Arkansas. At the time of their arrests, Damien Echols was 18, Jessie Misskelley, Jr. was 17 years old, Jason Baldwin was 16 years old.
They were believed to have abducted these boys and killed them in a satanic ritual based on the only fact that they wore black, hung out together, and listened to the likes of music such as Metallica, and stuff like that. Before these murders took place, Damien Echols was harassed by the local police for a couple of years, based solely on his appearance. Black hair, black clothes, long black duster, and just happened to live in a poor area, which I might add, is still poverty stricken today in 2013.
I am not going to go into great depth, but please know that I have done a ton of research on this case. There is NO evidence that links these men to the crime, other than a FORCED confession from Jessie, Misskelley, who in the eyes of the state, has a fairly low IQ, and in the words of many of the investigating officers and other people involved in this, considered "not all there." There is DNA that links one of the victims stepdad and a friend of his to the crime, yet at the time, neither were ever questioned. Still to this day, neither of them have really been investigated by the authorities.
On August 19, 2011, after serving 18 years and 78 days, these men were released from prison with time served after entering an Alford Plea. According to the state of Arkansas this case is closed, but these men are still working to get pardoned and be cleared. They have made great progress.
Since they entered the Alford Plea, they agreed to never sue the state and should they get into any trouble (felony) within 10 years, they will go back to prison for 21 years. Damien Echols is the only person in Arkansas history to be on death row one day, and a free man the next.
I guess one reason this interest me is because of the injustice these men got. I could go on for days, and I am sure I will be writing more about this, and other things similar to it, but right this moment I have to get some things done around here. Until then....if you know about this case, what are your thoughts??
Monday, January 7, 2013
Like right now, I have a ton of shit to say, but don't know how to say it without coming across as a total bitch, which I am, but I don't want the drama, and I don't want to sound like a fucking titbag! Always complaining....I am sure you know the type. Haha.
Anyway, I am going to try to figure out to put some of my thoughts to words and I will be back......