Just sitting and thinking

I don't even really know where or how to start this post, so forgive me if it seems a bit sporadic. Once upon a time I never really had an issue with trying to put my thoughts into words, but that was eons ago. Ya know, when MySpace was cool. Yeah...but the FaceBook came along and there wasn't a "blog" option on there so I quit writing and I have just recently started blogging again on at least a semi regular basis, so sometimes it is difficult for me. Sorry. I really think it is my adult ADD that is taking over me and keeping me from writing like a sane person, so with that, you will just have to deal with my randomness and skipping all over the place blog postings, okay? Good.

I decided to get back into the whole blogging thing again as a way to pass the time. I enjoy reading, and there are so many different blogs out there, I get bored with FaceBook, so I figured why not. Some of the blogs that I read are serious, some funny, some sad, and some just fucking crazy. Being the nosy person that I am, when I find a blog that looks like it may interest me, I will follow it and then go back and read every single post. I want to try to learn as much as I can about who ever is posting. Some the posts don't take a whole lot of reading to figure out that the author is seriously depressed or may seem to have some other serious issues going on.
Being that I have suffered from bouts of depression, I can sympathize with some of these people, mostly women of course. I find myself wondering if their spouse or partner even know about the blog, and not that even really matters, but I do know first hand what it is like to be in a very unhappy, sometimes volatile marriage, and I know that NOTHING will ever get better if BOTH people involved do not know exactly how the other is feeling. Then I think, well, maybe it isn't really as bad as they are making it out to be, but who am I to decided? All I know is that I enjoy reading all the blogs, and if I can relate to them, or whatever, I will post a comment. Sometimes that helps...knowing that other people are reading and know exactly what you are talking about. With that being said, I know this may only reach 4 people in the blog world, because I only have 4 followers, so I don't really imagine that anything I post will really be that touching or anything else, but I hope my 4 people enjoy it as much as I enjoy reading others. Does any of this make sense thus far?

Speaking of followers...how in the hell are people getting hundreds of followers?!?! I mean, some even have THOUSANDS! I am by NO means trying to be famous with my silly blog, but how cool would that be? HAHA. I wonder if they feel like they have to post something every single day, or every other day, or people will stop reading? I personally can imagine really having anything interesting enough to write about that often. Hell, I can imagine anybody (my 4 people) finding anything I have already posted, interesting...but THANK YOU!

I guess my real reasoning for this post is to give anybody that reads this and wants to know, and insight to who I am. Mostly because I wonder the very same thing about the people who write the blogs that I read.

I am Tara. I was born in Houston, and grew up in a "rich kid" town, although we were far from rich. Money wise anyway. I lived with my mom and my grandfather, sometimes one of my uncles would live with us, but it was usually just the 3 of us. My dad was in TDC (Texas Department of Corrections) prison. I remember the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade. He was out of prison and we did some things together as a family, but whatever it was, it almost always turned into a physical fight between him and my mom. I remember he took me to school on my first day of 3rd grade and all the kids thought he was a movie star because he was covered in tattoos. Oh the little things that make us look back and laugh now. That Christmas is the only holiday that I can remember spending with him as a child, and then shortly after that he ended up going to prison in Louisiana. He was locked up there until I was about 18 I guess. I forget now. After he got out of prison we did not spend all that much time together. Not like you would think. Instead he was too busy drinking and getting high and that was not my style. He was at my 20th birthday party that my mom gave me, and then I only seen him a couple of times after that. While I was pregnant with my first child, he wanted to paint a mural on the nursery wall, so I said okay. After he finished that, I my son was born in October, and I think my did seen him 1 time before Christmas, and then again on Christmas when I went to go see my Ol' Granny and me and his girlfriend got in a fight. I do not remember seeing him again, or him seeing his grandson again. He passed away at the age of 40 from a massive heart attack, and in his girlfriends words when I asked was he fucked up "he has just lit a joint and opened his first beer of the day."
I got married a month after my son was born. I did not have a wedding. I married a man who's mother hated my guts and said it would never last. Well, 11 years and a second child later, she was right. Neither one of us really wanted to get married I don't think. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do. We had talked about getting married before I ever got pregnant, but then I got pregnant and things changed. We gave it a go, and I did my best, and looking back now, I guess he did his best, it just wasn't enough. We had NOTHING in common, other than 2 beautiful kids.

In 2006 my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. She had surgery, and then after that healed up, she went through chemo and radiation 5 or 6 days a week for I don't remember exactly how long. Like 6 months. So now dealing with my mom being sick, having a friend and her 3 kids live with me and husband and our 2 kids, I was going through hell. The fighting became more and more frequent even though it was not physical, it was still too much. I ended up ending the friendship with the friend living with us, and she moved out. I got the courage to leave the husband I could not deal with anymore. He worked out of town all the time and so I was going to move on June 2nd. He was to be leaving to go back to San Antonio. It was all planned out. Then that morning came. He left for San Antonio, and I woke up to a phone call that my mom was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. This pissed me off on so many different levels, and I could not understand why I was getting a phone call as they were trying to load my mom up on the stretcher when I lived next door, but either way, I ran over there and found out that mom had been in excruciating pain all night. Screamed all night from the pain, but would not let my stepdad take her to the hospital or call for help. That day was the day my life was suppose to start getting better, but ended up getting worse. My mom was brought home on 24 hour crisis care hospice. This was Monday the 2nd of June, and she passed away Friday, the 6th. Let me also say, my grandfather that I grew up with had passed away in 1992, and I was the one that found him. My Ol'Granny (dads mom) had just passed away on St. Patricks day. Just a couple of months before my mom.
Needless to say, my plans for packing up and moving were put on hold. It took me a year to get the courage back up to leave, only this time it was not as copacetic as originally planned. It was a huge blow up, and he ended up going to jail. I wish things had gone differently in the sense that he would not have choked me and I would not have had him arrested, but I am glad that it is all over with, and I was able to talk the state into not prosecuting him.

In September of 2009 I met a man became close friends with him. We started dating, and I would not let him meet my kids. My divorce was final October 15th of that year. After that we made it known that we were in a relationship, and shortly after, he meet my kids, and on March 17th of this year we were married. I can say now that I know what true love and happiness feels like. I know that this man loves me and these kids with all of his being. It has not been all roses, and there have been some pretty serious issues, but we have made it through and are standing strong.


I guess that is enough about me for now............enjoy. If you want, feel free to share this page, and have others follow.